Baby Eater of the Week

Can you imagine waking up every morning knowing that this guy was on your team?

And this with a broken wrist, yet.

The most wonderful time of the year

Five days into the Stanley Cup playoffs and already there have been two suspensions, more fights than I can keep track of, some absolutely beautiful plays that I've been watching on a loop (yes, Pavel Datsyuk), and Gary Bettman proving once again that he is a complete bonehead (follow the link for my take on the $500 octopus-tossing fine).

It truly is the most wonderful time of the year for hockey fans - the time of the year when even the deepest teams up front will inexplicably fall to the Montreal Canadiens, and I will find myself actually look forward to a Predators game.

The playoffs are awesome because I love a good game, regardless of who's playing, and the NHL playoffs tend to be all great games (unless you're a Bruins fan). Even despite my - let's call it general loathing - of the Vancouver Canucks (you can read about that and the many outraged Vancouver commentors' reactions it elicited here), I can't deny that game three of the 'Hawks/Canucks series was a hell of a thing to watch.

But I also am acutely aware of how little investment I have in the actual games. Really, I just want to see enough of my predictions pan out so I don't look like a complete idiot.

Of course, it wasn't always this way. There was a time when NHL playoffs meant more than just good hockey; it meant a chance for the Leafs to win the Cup. Sure, I was young and maybe naive, but that's what making the playoffs means for every single team that pulls it off: they could win the Stanley Cup.

 

Those were the days...

Right now I have friends from Detroit, Chicago, Vancouver, Los Angeles, San Jose, Boston, Anaheim, and Pittsburgh, all of whom are a complete wreak every time I see them. We talk about the games - the crazy saves, the controversial hits, how exactly a professional hockey player manages to get dehydrated before the most crucial game of the season, whether or not Pavel Datsyuk is actually human or is in fact a god among men - and I enjoy those conversations immensely.

But I would give anything to be watching the games with the level of anxiety I know they've all been feeling this past week. I miss the heart-stopping shots and the mind-blowing saves. I miss the stress of a sudden death triple overtime and the incredible high when your team is the one that ends it. I miss the team showing more heart than you even knew they had when they're faced with what seems like insurmountable odds and the threat of season-ending injuries. I miss elimination. Actual elimination, not mathematical elimination. The kind that breaks your heart. The kind that takes a couple of days to get over despite repeated assertions from your mother that "come on, honey, it's just hockey."

But there is something about this year that makes it all a little easier to take - the Leafs were looking good. They ended the season strong (discounting the final three games) and made a completely improbable playoff surge after the All Star break. Hell, even mathematical elimination didn't happen until their third-last game of the season - a big step up from, you know, November.

So as I watch the playoffs this year, marveling at Pavel Datsyuk being freaking amazing and hoping that Carey Price totally shits the bed, it is with the knowledge that this will be the last time I will be able to do it while seated calmly on my couch.

Because next year there is not a chance in hell I will be able to sit down.

Things that make me happy: Writing about hockey

So I realize I've kind of abandoned Gary Roberts: Baby Eater this past month or so, and I'm feeling pretty darn awful about it.

There is a reason for that, however. About a month ago, within the span of a single week nonetheless, I started writing for two other sports blogs - Neon Tommy, an online publication from the University of Southern California, and Out of Left Field, an all-encompassing sports blog one of my friends just started up.

Needless to say, it's been kind of hectic writing for all three, so I took a slight hiatus from this one while I tried to get a handle on the other two.

That hiatus is officially over; it's NHL playoffs time and I'm back in game form.

If you're interested in checking out the stuff I've written so far, I've taken the liberty of blantantly promoting and linking to my stuff below:

Neon Tommy:
My take on the Cooke suspension (Mar. 23)
The Western Conference race and parity in the league (Mar. 31)

Out of Left Field:
The Loser Point (Mar. 29)
NHL bubble teams: When will they burst? (Apr. 5) - includes my take on the Maple Leafs season
Eastern Conference predictions: round 1 (Apr. 11)
Western Conference predictions: round 1 (Apr. 12)

In the meantime, think the Kings are happy to have Justin Williams back? Probably about as happy as I am to have had two nights of playoff hockey and already two incredible overtime games. The best part? No TV timeouts.

Life is wonderful.

2011 Stanley Cup Playoff Predictions

Quickly, before it starts:

Round 1:

Most original photo ever.

East
(1) Washington vs. (8) New York
(2) Philadelphia vs. (7) Buffalo
(3) Boston vs. (6) Montreal
(4) Pittsburgh vs. (5) Tampa Bay
West
(1) Vancouver vs. (8) Chicago
(2) San Jose vs. (7) Los Angeles
(3) Detroit vs. (6) Phoenix
(4) Anaheim vs. (5) Nashville

Round 2:
East
(1) Washington vs. (7) Buffalo
(3) Boston vs. (4) Pittsburgh
West
(1) Vancouver vs. (7) Los Angeles
(3) Detroit vs. (5)Nashville

Conference Finals:
East
(1) Washington vs. (3) Boston
West
(1) Vancouver vs. (3) Detroit

Stanley Cup Finals:
(1) Washington vs. (3) Detroit

To see my predictions in all their glory (as in, with actual reasoning to back them up),  check them out over at Out of Left Field, a new sports blog I contribute hockey stuffs to.

In the meantime, go watch some playoff hockey!

Baby Eater of the (Last) Week

Remember that game last Thursday where Timmy Brent blocked two shots in OT sending the game to a shootout where Kadri potted the winner after hypnotizing Tim Thomas with his "nifty mittens"?

Next year's going to be awesome.

In related news, the Toronto chapter of the Professional Hockey Writers Association just made their nomination for the 2011 Bill Masterson Memorial Trophy, an award that goes to the player in the league who best demonstrates perseverance, sportsmanship and dedication to the game. Ladies and gentleman, your Toronto Maple Leafs Masterson Trophy nominee and Baby Eater of the Week is the only man in the NHL crazy enough to get in front of a Zdeno Chara slap shot, Tim Motherf'n Brent.

He also does stuff like this. No word on how close they let him get to the babies.

An Open Letter to Tomas Kaberle

Dear Tomas,

Last night was rough. Not so much the game. The game was actually pretty awesome. Especially that Schenn goal. You've done good by him, and that goal was a testament to your role as his mentor.

Look, I know it hasn't always been easy with the two of us. In fact, you could probably even call the 2008-2010 stretch a tad tenuous. But who was the first person to admit she was wrong when you showed up to play back in October? It was me, Tomas. And I had your back, for better or for worse, when Burke didn't move you during the summer window in the no-trade clause. Sure, maybe it was partially due to not thinking the potential return would be worth the cost, but perhaps it had also finally hit me how empty it would feel when you were gone. That, and the fact that you're a really, really good hockey player.

I'm sure it's my own naivete, but after the various media circuses Burke conjured up every time there seemed to be an opportunity to move you, I truly didn't believe he ever would. So February 18th hit me hard. Over a month later I'm still trying to come to terms with it.

I didn't think I was this sentimental. I thought I knew what I wanted -- a complete turnover; a fresh start for the blue-and-white that could be only be achieved by completely jettisoning the old guard and starting from scratch with all those draft picks the Leafs didn't actually have.

But now there is no remaining vestige from the glory years of my childhood -- the time when every year could have been the year; the years I took making the playoffs for granted and instead spent my time concerned about seeding and home-ice advantage; the years that the powerplay actually scored every once in a while; the years before I ever worried about roster depth or having strong pivots.

You were a part of that. You served as a constant reminder that there was once a time when hockey didn't end in April and blaring car horns were all that could be heard in the Toronto streets. Both of us believed you could be a part of that again, believed that you could help bring the Leafs back to postseason relevance. And now you're wearing white, yellow, and black and I don't know what to do.

For all your critics, at age 33 you're 15th in points for defensemen, ahead of all three of last year's Norris finalists, and still an example of exactly what an offensive-defenseman should be. There are so many good years ahead of you, and it kills me to know I'll have to watch them while listening to Jack Edwards' truly scintillating play-by-play.

But I'm still a fairly young Toronto Maple Leaf fan, not yet jaded enough to accept the realities that make me uncomfortable. I have faith that you'll make it home one day, Kabby. And I will meet you there, no matter what the ticket price.


All the best,
Gary Roberts: Baby Eater

Today in old news...

I've watched the video of Chara driving Pacioretty into the stanchion between the benches over and over again since last Tuesday and have read what must be close to fifty articles from all the different sides in an attempt to figure out how exactly I feel about it.  I've come up with the following:

1. It is making me very sick to my stomach.
2. It was interference gone terribly, terribly wrong.
3. I have no idea what Chara's "intent" was, nor do I think it can be discerned from watching a video at top speed. As for slow motion and freeze-frames -- it is far too easy too take any individual moment and extrapolate some minute expression on Chara's face or placement of his hand to help indict him.

I have never supported the NHL dolling out punishment based on injury, as I believe that it is the action itself that should be punished. Slight differences to body positioning at top speeds can mean the difference between a hit knocking a player off the puck or knocking him out cold.

This is why I believe that if a player is performing an action that is deemed dangerous or reckless he should be penalized, even if the victim doesn't end up missing a shift. A high stick that knocks the back of a guy's helmet and a high stick that draws blood should be treated equally by league officials, as it is the action itself that is the problem. A stick in the air poses a danger to all the other players on the ice, which is why it warrants a penalty. No room for interpretation, no question about a player's intent, just the penalty that is outlined in the rules.*

(*Unless you're Tyler Ennis, apparently.)

Of course, situations like the Chara hit, much like the head-shot issue, are not quite as clear-cut. What Chara did was interference, and was duly punished on the play. He received a major and a game misconduct, likely as much to keep him out of the game to prevent a third period gong show than anything else.

This takes us to Wednesday, when Chara had his call with the league to determine supplemental discipline. The result, as I'm sure you're aware, is that there was none. The league called the injury sustained by Pacioretty an unfortunate result to a hockey play, but believed that Chara did not act with malicious intent, and thus chose not to suspend him.

I understand this; what Chara did was no more against the rules than any other routine interference call. Pacioretty's injury was a result of where the hit occurred on the ice -- the turnbuckle between the benches. Now, I would love to see some sort of rule put in place by the NHL that acknowledges the danger that this part of the rink poses to its athletes. However, the way the rulebook is currently written, Chara was making a defensive play to keep Pacioretty away from the puck because he knew he had been beaten by the guy's speed. It was an illegal play, yes, but it was still just interference.

The controversy over the hit stems from the question of intent on the part of Chara; did he or did he not intend to injure Pacioretty, knowing - and he did know, as he is a professional hockey player and has played in rinks with the exact same structure for 13 years - where he was on the ice. Chara claims he did not, Pacioretty disagrees, and everyone else is picking sides using completely identical videos and freeze-frames as evidence.

The NHL  shot itself in the foot when it decided supplemental discipline would be dependent on the "intent" behind an action, because there is absolutely no way to know a player's intent at any given moment of a high-speed hockey game. Did Chara want to take Pacioretty out with the hit? Well, I assume so. Wouldn't any defenseman hope to hit an opponent hard enough to keep him from getting to the puck? But did he intend to cause a severe concussion and fracture a vertebra? I doubt it. Chara knew exactly what he was doing and where on the ice he was when he hit Pacioretty, but I don't believe for a second he had any idea the full extent of the damage such a hit could cause. But here's the thing: none of that should matter.

The hit was reckless given where it occurred on the ice, and should warrant suspension because of that; not because of supposed malicious intent. A player got injured on an illegal play and Chara should be held responsible. The NHL needs to implement a rule that carries a specific penalty for a reckless play that puts a player in this sort of danger, without the caveat of whatever it is Mike Murphy decides is going on in the player's head at that given moment.

The room for interpretation regarding "intent" is the very reason Rule 48 is such a contested mess. It needs to be fixed going forward, and here's an opportunity for the NHL to show that even if it doesn't know how, it understands why.

Baby Eater of the Week

Now before you say anything, I know it's been a while, but you have to understand I've got a lot of Leafs-related business floating around in my head right now and with every passing day it's getting more and more daunting to think of trying to express all that in a single post, especially as midterm season is still very much a reality and as I would like to one day make over the minimum wage (keep in mind I'm in America, so we're looking at about $5/hr here) I'm really trying to take them seriously.

Therefore I'm going complete avoidance on this for one more day, but had to share this video I just found at Barstool Sports because it's awesome and I'm hoping it will buy me some favour and all in my extended absence.

So your Baby Eater of the Week for 3/6/11 is... this guy:

Judd Blackwater of the CHL's Allen Americans beating down whoever that poor sap is whose name I already forgot, which is probably the best thing I can do for him.

Also, it is my new personal life goal to figure out who these announcers are and get them doing national broadcasts. I'm thinking if we all band together and petition TSN they'll have to agree to let these guys call all Leaf games forever, right? After all, TSN is notorious for valuing the opinion of the largest fan base in Canada, which is totally obvious in the way Gord Miller and Pierre McGuire never say anything dumb and unfounded about the Toronto Maple Leafs and always express complete objectivity whenever covering their games. No, I'm sure TSN would really value our feedback and support of these new candidates, and I do believe the best way to express this support would be to march on over to their studios and yell a whole bunch of profanities until good stuff happens. But please, leave the torches at home, folks; we're not Habs fans.

SLUMP BUSTERS

The story so far: Kessel scored two goals in Boston, busting not only his goal-scoring slump of 14 games, but also scoring for the first time against his former team, finally signaling an end to the Curse of the TopDraftPickserino (Burkerino?). 

The next night the Leafs beat the Sabres in Buffalo with a game-winning shorthanded goal coming from - of all people - Joey Crabb. This puts the Leafs only six points out of a playoff spot. Hell, even Pierre McGuire wasn't excruciatingly terrible tonight (though that's likely a subjective judgment on my part after having to suffer through Glenn Healy commentary earlier this week). Keep your eyes out for the four horsemen of the apocalypse, because this would be their cue.

(You're going to have to imagine the ghost as
the Sabres logo. My Adobe Photoshop trial
was up last week.)

Additionally, I would like to take this opportunity to point and laugh at everyone who doubted Phil Kessel in the previous weeks (I'm looking at you, TSN). If you're a fan of poetic justice, take a gander at them apples:

Grabbo, and Kuli, and Phil - oh my!

That, ladies and gents, is an excerpt from the list of top goal scorers this season. And no, you are not suffering from the same blurred vision plaguing poor Armstrong, that is in fact Phil Kessel's name slotting in at #23, right above none other than Alex Ovechkin. But hey, shed no tears for Ovi - he'll always have his All Star memories.

But all is not perfect in Leafland; as he is apt to do, Burkey just had to open his big mouth. Once again the rumours around a Kaberle trade are intensifying and, much like every other time, it is being handled terribly.

Yesterday, a mere day after releasing a statement saying that all talks with Kaberle and his agent were to be kept private, Brian Burke confirmed to a radio show in Boston - unprompted, nonetheless - that he was in fact discussing a trade involving Kaberle with the Bruins.

Besides making me sick to my stomach for the brief period there seemed to be a chance that Kaberle could be traded before the actual game, I'm sick of Burke continuing to dangle him in front of the media as some sort of trade bait, even if he was just using it as a distraction from the terrible game that took place Saturday.

After a mediocre 2009/2010 season, Kaberle has stepped his game up and has been consistently showcasing why it is he is still considered one of the best puck-moving defensemen in the league. He had the assist on Kessel's go ahead goal tonight by doing just that, and man was it a beauty.

For the record, I would love nothing more than to see the Leafs resign him at the end of the year. However, with each additional publicized attempt of Burke's to get rid of the guy, I just get more and more desperate for the circus to come to an end. I don't want to hear another word about what may or may not happen from Burke about Kabby until he is actually announcing a transaction - deal or trade - that has been completed.

For all Burke's talk about respecting players, I'm not impressed. Kaberle deserves better than the pony show he's had to put up with these past few years and the idea of having him leave the organization after twelve long years under these circumstances is deplorable. Get your act together, Burke, and please learn to shut your damn mouth.

Disclaimer: Yes, I get increasingly sentimental about players the longer they're in blue and white. Deal with it.

Update: Burke actually did it. As of Feb 13th, 2011 Kaberle has been traded to Boston for Colborne, Boston's 2011 first round pick, and a conditional 2012 second rounder. Hold me...

Chicken soup for the battered soul

I don't much care for the Montreal Canadiens. 

I care for them so little that I am not going to torture myself by reliving the "game" that took place between them and the Leafs earlier this evening to offer a bitter analysis of a completely lackluster effort that I'm hoping will just go away if I ignore it.

Instead, I've decided to reflect on some of the better times. Thanks to hockeyfights.com and the wonderful world of the interweb, I was able to dig up some old clips of one of the blue and white bruisers who will always hold a special place in my heart.

Without further ado, I bring you -- Tie Domi Fights Canadiens:

Tie Domi vs. Donald Brashear - Feb 3, 1996

Although Domi would clash with Brashear far more during the latter's tenure with the Philadelphia Flyers, it is this game that stood out as a defining one in my childhood. The notion that a person would take on someone so much larger than him was quite astonishing to my young psyche, and I am pretty certain I can attribute a couple showdowns involving who got to play in the mini-log cabin in the preschool sandbox during recess to the lessons I learned from watching Domi go. Far from being a bad influence, Domi taught me not to be a pushover despite my size. If Canada is serious about putting a stop to bullying, this video should be shown in preschools across the nation.

Tie Domi vs. Shayne Corson - Feb 20, 1999

In what would be but one bout of many, Tie Domi takes down future teammate Shayne Corson. Fun fact: this was the very first fight to take place in the Air Canada Centre, occurring during the first game in the building. Tie Domi wastes no time.

Tie Domi vs. Darren Langdon - Mar 13, 2004

 Perseverance, man. Domi's got it.

Tie Domi vs. Jim Cummins - Oct 23, 1999

I think one of the things that most amazed me about Domi was how calm he looked at the end of his fights. It made him even more terrifying. You know, kind of like a psychopath.

So there you go -- my Hockey Day in Canada coverage.

Actually, one thing worth mentioning: Lupol fought PK Subban, who put the "K" in Klass when he threw his first punch before Lupol could get his helmet off. In related news, I have decided Lupol can't be all bad.

You know who can be all bad? Brett Lebda, who for some unknown reason was playing on one of the  power play units tonight. If I die of an aneurysm in my sleep, this will be why.

Farewell Beauchemin, hello rebuild

Yesterday in a move not I nor any supposed Leafs insiders saw coming, Brian Burke made a deal with the Anaheim Ducks (surprise!) that saw him shipping out top defenseman Francois Beauchemin for left winger Joffrey Lupol and defensive prospect Jake Gardiner who was drafted 17th overall in 2008.

Bye, bye Beauchemin

Gardiner is reportedly a "world-class skater" and was ranked just after Cam Fowler among Duck defensive prospects. As a fan of Cam Fowler, I take this to be fantastic news. Also fantastic: Burkie has finally made a deal that doesn't intend to bring immediate results for the team. By shipping out one of the Leafs top two defensemen in terms of average time on ice (23:45) for no immediate replacement, Burke seems to finally be looking to the future. 

Most trade recaps I've read have given Gardiner another year or two of development either at the college level or the minors before he makes the roster. Ideally this means that by the time he makes the team, he'll hit his stride as a top-four defenseman (as Burkie believes he can be) just as the team is actually getting competitive. Of course, the other side to this is that the redistribution of Beauchemin's minutes will likely result in more ice time for Komisarek and (god help me) Brett Lebda, which can only spell disaster in the short term. But even if this does completely torpedo the Leafs playoff chances this year, the likelihood of them actually having made it had Beauch stuck around was more of a longshot than Sidney Crosby growing a respectable mustache. And this is me being optimistic.

I am pleased with the trade, despite not really having a read on Lupol and what he may or may not be capable of coming off of a missed year due to back surgery.  This is what I have wanted all along -- for Burke to admit that a full rebuild was necessary and stop trying to pass off some big trade (cough, Phaneuf) as the move that will make the Leafs ready for the post-season right now. Rebuilding on the fly was always a terrible idea, and his desperation to push it as a solid plan made me hate him. And I don't want to hate him; he has great hair and a top-notch "back-the-hell-off" face that I have always admired.

Interesting note: In the post-trade presser he gave yesterday, Burke mentioned that he was in a position at the trade deadline last year to have traded Luke Schenn in a move that would certainly have gotten the Leafs into the playoffs. He went on to explain that he didn't do it as his longterm goal is not just to get into the playoffs only to get eliminated in the first round; it is to build a championship. Despite sounding a wee bit like hyperbole (pretty sure the Leafs were around 15 points out of 8th spot at the deadline last year), at least the point he was making is a good one; the only goal is the Stanley Cup.

I leave you with this: I cannot pretend that I was Beauchemin's biggest cheerleader. I cursed him out many a night for those inevitable boneheaded moves that always resulted in goals against. That being said,  I know his numbers were good, especially given his TOI and the competition he was facing. I truly believe that if the Leafs had a roster in which Beauch could have played second-pair minutes rather than first I would have been a bigger fan, which he probably deserved. 

So in this, the time of his departure, I give you Beauchemin's Gordie Howe hat trick against Calgary from last season. Because the only thing better than a Gordie Howe hatty is a goalie fight.

Speaking of:

And also:

Man, even though they keep getting the Leafs' first round picks, I just can't hate the Bruins. That game was absolutely insane.

Holy Tim Brent, Batman

I am certain that I will always remember where I was when James Reimer recorded his first NHL shutout: forced to stealthily stream the game online while stuck in a three-hour 12 person class, sitting on my hands and biting my lip to keep from slapping the table and screaming whenever anything awesome happened. As a result my lip is now about five times its normal size, my beer is tasting suspiciously like blood, and I have no idea what my homework for next week is.

Totally worth it.

What happened tonight was simply beautiful - Reimer was magnificent (and man, do I love seeing him smile), the penalty kill was better than it has been at any point in my recent memory, Rosehill bested Gleason in a bout to avenge the sucker punch (yes, I am going to call it a sucker punch, back off) Gleason sent Kulemin's way last Monday, and Tim Brent took his life and manhood into his own hands when he blocked three shots in a single shift when the Leafs were killing a 5-on-3. He then went on to clear the puck out of the zone despite being doubled over in pain because he's that fucking awesome.

Now it may have had a bit to do with Lebda being a healthy scratch, allowing me to briefly forget that he does in fact exist, but I've got to say that I am currently pretty damn pleased with this roster. The suprise top-producing players are performing well beyond what was expected of them, and even during the rough losses before the All Star break the team had shown up and played well for at least 75% of the full 60-minutes I would ideally like them to each game.

But tonight? 60 full minutes baby! And what's more, the boys in blue and white actually looked like a team. That's right - an actual cohesive unit!

This is both uplifting and completely terrifying as the trade deadline approaches and Burkie fails to admit that at this point in the season the Leafs are not actually contenders/buyers. Burkie, I'm begging you, PLEASE don't do anything stupid. To clarify, stupid moves would be things that result in Grabbo, MacArthur, Kulemin, Kaberle, Versteeg, Schenn, and - and this is very important - Tim Motherf'n Brent not finishing the season with a maple leaf on their chests. Phaneuf - well, do what you please with him. At this point I'm sure someone else must be capable of taking over locker room boom box duties.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue drinking the Moosehead Lager I just discovered that they carry at the brand new CVS four blocks from my apartment (Yay for Canadian beer in American pharmacies), order one of Pucking Hilarious' Optimus Reim shirts, and blissfully celebrate what had to be the most perfect and complete game I've seen the Toronto Maple Leafs play in years.

Brent Johnson: DiPietro Eater

So... this totally happened.

Can't decide if my favourite part is the exact moment that lame-ass smile on DiPietro's face is mercilessly wiped out at the point of contact, or what is surely the most epic turtle-ing display ever seen in the National Hockey League that immediately follows.

The only thing that could have made this better was if it was narrated by Liev Shreiber a la HBO's 24/7. A nice follow-up to the "Brent Johnson - Journeyman Goaltender" storyline to be sure.

The reactions from the Pittsburgh bench are priceless.

(Video via hockeyfights.com)

In defense of Phil Kessel

If you've been watching any sports media outlet that discusses hockey from time to time (bad luck, California), you've probably noticed that Phil Kessel's been getting a heck of a lot of press over the last few days. This is thanks in no small part to his having been drafted last for the All Star Game, and the fact that, well... I'm not sure if you've heard but he was part of this trade over a year ago that involved sending a couple of the Leafs' first round picks from 2011 and 2012 to Boston.

This is still totally significant over a year later whenever discussing Kessel and his on-ice contributions because the Bruins used one of the Leafs' picks to select Tyler Seguin second overall in the 2011 draft. Therefore it is widely accepted by Toronto sports media and fans that this means Kessel must score a goal in every single game he plays in, ever, or else that trade was the dumbest thing Burke has ever done and the Leafs will always be terrible because he totally doesn't have the patience to rebuild like Chicago and Pittsburgh and Atlanta, yada, yada, yada.

However, in all the Kessel criticism there is something people seem to be forgetting - Tyler Seguin has his own name tattooed down his arm.

With head shots on the rise, Seguin's tattoo could prove useful yet.

Kessel will be fine. He rebounded from the inane All Star scrutiny with a solid game tonight that saw him get some great chances, including a sick breakaway in overtime that Clemmenson somehow managed to keep out of the net.

Also, he doesn't have a completely ridiculous tattoo down his arm.

I think we should keep him.

Disclaimer: I am in full support of tattoos and especially tattoo sleeves, but come on.

Baby Eaters of the Week: Hometown Edition

This has been a while in coming, but until the Leafs actually play their next game it's still totally relevant.

Thanks to nothing of significance happening in the hockey world since Wednesday, I rewatched the Toronto vs. Carolina game because despite the final score and Giguere letting in five goals, I enjoyed it immensely. I then rewatched part of the Toronto vs. Tampa game, but only part of it because the only real highlight was Steve Downie reminding us all why he's a total d-bag when he tried to pick a fight with Colby Armstrong despite the latter having already missed part of the game with a hand injury (broken finger?). Classy. Big ups for Armstrong who under no circumstances should have been forced into that position in the first place.

Now, without further ado, I give you my Baby Eaters of the Week:

Number 3: James Reimer.

He may not have gotten the win on Tuesday, but Pierre McGuire still named Reimer McGuire's Monster thanks in no small part to his stopping all three of Martin St. Louis' breakaways. This is significant despite being an honour bestowed by the third most worthless hockey analyst on TSN, as he got the recognition despite Roloson coming up big with a shut-out. Not that Reimer needs (or enjoys) recognition;  he called himself out in his post-game interview claiming that he needs to be able to shut it down when the team needs it. Wow - a goalie and a mensch.

The truth is that he got absolutely no help in the first twenty whatsoever. The second goal in particular resulted after he pulled off a crazy save and not a single Leaf was able to clear the rebound before Teddy Purcell could get to it. The fact that the score was only 2-0 for Tampa at the end of the first was nothing short of a miracle, and that miracle's name is James Reimer.

(Photo by Justin K. Aller/Getty Images)

Also, he has a great smile.

Number 2: Tim Brent

In Monday night's game against Carolina, Brent turned it up to eleven ('it' being beast mode, obviously) and scored two quick goals just over a minute apart. He also fed a beautiful pass to Brown who netted the fourth (and, sadly, last) tally for the Leafs.

The goals are at 1:07 in the video, and man, they are as sleek and sexy as goals can be. Please note that this game is particularly important as it was shortly after the final buzzer that Tim Brent was persuaded to get a Twitter account. And yes, I take great pride in having been one of his first hundred followers.

And finally, the Baby Eater of the Week is none other than....

Clarke MacArthur

At 5'11'' he is almost a full foot shorter than Zdeno Chara, but by no means did that stop him from swinging Chad LaRose all the way around his head in a move that emulated Chara's treatment of Bryan McCabe all those years ago.

Now that is truculence.

CBC, NHLPA player poll

CBC released the results to its 2010/2011 Player Poll, done in conjunction with the NHLPA (well, clearly), and there are a couple key bits of information I would like to address.

I understand that CBC has gotten lots of mileage out of this Crosby/Ovechkin rivalry, but was it really necessary to bring up Ovie's shortcomings every time Crosby was awarded a win in any given category? The blurbs for toughest forward to play against, player you'd most like to start a franchise, best role model, toughest to play against, and smartest player all work in a little Ovie jab about how he's not the one with top honours. Man, they even make a point of how Ovechkin only got number one in a single category instead of, you know, discussing why the goalies voted him the toughest player to stop in the first place. From CBC: "The odd thing is that there are only four categories where Ovechkin is in the top five, and this is the only place where he is rated number one. On the other hand, Sidney Crosby gets mention in 10 separate categories and only once is he not in the top two." As Greg Wyshynski put it, "And on the other hand, there are actually a few other players in the League not named Sidney Crosby or Alex Ovechkin. Weird"

I'm Canadian and I have a Crosby keychain that I purchased in Vancouver after he scored the gamewinner in the shootout of the Switzerland vs. Canada preliminary match. I've been watching him play (hard not to given his media time) before he was even drafted and I believe that he has consistently improved in every single season he has played. I love watching him play and think he's absolutely remarkable.

But dear god,  stop shitting on Ovechkin. It's getting old. I mean, obviously he's no Phil Kessel, but this is ridiculous.

Final note before I go eat pancakes (yay Sunday!) -- Ron Wilson got the nod as the coach players would least like to play for with an overwhelming 24%. That's right: a quarter of the league doesn't want anything to do with him.

Fire Ron Wilson.

Nick Kypreos and the stick up his ass

Nick Kypreos is not happy, and thanks to Ryan VandenBussche, he now gets to write about it for a national media outlet.

It seems Mr. Kypreos was not impressed with the format of the All Star Fantasy Draft that took place last night to kick off All Star Weekend, as he was a wee bit miffed about the whole Phil Kessel being drafted last thing.

Pierre + Kypreos = TSN Dream Team

"The interest in this year's NHL all-star weekend was for all the wrong reasons. Drafts are supposed to be about who is picked first -- not last, yet that was the focus Friday night in the televised proceedings ahead of Sunday's game. I give the league and the players credit for trying something different, but not at the expense of someone's pride and reputation."

Come on Kyp. I know your brains have been scrambled a couple times over, but isn't the fact that the league generated any interest at all in a brand new 90-minute event that included entirely unnecessary TSN panel cut-aways and a ridiculous pre-draft show something that you, as an analyst for TSN, should be grateful for? Of course nobody gives a shit about who the best of the best are. We all already drafted them in our fantasy leagues in the top five positions. Well, except for Cam Ward, he went a bit later.

The intrigue comes from getting to see what the players think of their peers, and who they want on their teams. There was always going to be awkwardness, but that was the fun of it - to watch a player with a 5-year $27 million contract squirm a bit in his seat. Was he thrilled about it? No, probably not. But neither was I when I was picked last for basketball, but you know what? I got through it.

Phil Kessel's numbers are not astounding. He's a good player. He's one of the Leafs' best players.  Arguable is their best (of course, if you argued that, you'd be wrong). But hell, I probably would have drafted him last too.

Kyper, the guy's a professional athlete. He competed for his country in the Olympics and was drafted fifth overall in 2006. If, like you claim, "...the label of 'last player picked' is now something he will have to carry through his career," maybe he should work a little harder. Seriously, he would have to have the most mediocre career in hockey if that's the only thing he's going to be remembered for.

Kypreos goes on to whine that beyond the whole ruined-reputation-for-life thing, it's an even bigger deal because he plays for the Leafs. 

"Toronto's market can ill afford to take any more hits. Leaf fans already know where they stand on the scale of respectability, and a Leaf being picked last is another shot at a once-storied franchise. Watching Alex Ovechkin taking a cell phone picture as Patrick Kane announced 'with the last pick,' you start to wonder how many around the league quietly enjoyed Kessel's humiliation."

Ovechkin takes a photo of Kessel sitting alone. 'Cuz he's a baller.

It's cute that Kypreos is so concerned about "Toronto's market," but come on now, where does he think the league got the money to finance the two personalized jerseys for each player and rookie (dependant on who drafted them) and the crazy haze stuff that they all skated through at the beginning of the Super Skills Competition today? Hint: it starts with 'r' and ends with 'evenue sharing'.

More to the point, as a Leaf fan I had absolutely no problem with Kessel going last. In fact, I thought it was pretty funny. Hell, that's the only reason I didn't turn the draft off after thirty minutes.

But hey, if professional athletes can't handle it maybe it's time to redesign recess in elementary schools. In fact, let's also throw out the scoreboards so none of them ever have to know what it feels like to lose.

Grow up, Kypreos.

Stan Lee's unpaid intern triumphs again

Well, I guess this was inevitable.

The league has released the bio for the 23rd NHL Guardian, "The Maple Leaf."

Much like the actual team, he poses absolutely no real threat.

Ugh.

Way to be consistent, guys

In just 24 hours, the Leafs went from being shut out 7-0 to the Rangers (way to defend Elisha Cuthbert's honour, Phaneuf) to blasting Anaheim 5-2.

The time between the slaughter and the actual game allowed for much self-reflection, and I'm not so sure how I feel about it.

For starters, I am not proud of myself for not turning off Wednesday night's shit show. I didn't need to watch the clock ticking down in the third period, I didn't need to see that sixth goal, and I certainly did not need to see the seventh. I also could have done without the knowledge that Lebda wasn't on the ice, which meant I couldn't technically blame him for the carnage. I still did, but I acknowledge that that probably wasn't fair.

I pride myself on focusing on the things I care about and not wasting my time on people or things that do nothing but upset me. And then there's the Leafs, and those seven (hey, remember way back when, when it was sometimes eight!) whole months a year when I can't help but sink hours and hours of my time into watching them rip my heart out of my chest, stuff it back in, resuscitate me just in the nick of time, then rip it out and skate over it a few hundred times just to make sure I get it.

And then they play like they did yesterday.

Giguere has a great night that bumps his SV% to .900, Bozak reminds me of all the reasons I seriously considered buying his jersey last year, Grabbo ties his career-high 20 goal season in just 45 games, and Phaneuf even hits somebody.

Sick diving save by Jiggy. Seriously. I have no joke. It was awesome.

So yes, all the signs point to a wildly unhealthy relationship that I am investing far too much time into and relying on emotionally in ways I most certainly should not. (Did I mention I just bought a Leafs blow-up chair?)

But then sometimes they win, which makes me happy, so I call Pops and we talk about how Grabbo's exceeding our wildest expectations and isn't he just dandy and thank god Schenn is stepping up with the big minutes in a big way, and argue about which of their names I should get on the jersey he should definitely buy me for my birthday this year...

Euh. I'm not going to read too much into it.

(Photo from Getty Images via mapleleafs.nhl.com)

Baby Eater of the Week

After a short hiatus, I am back to give the people what they want. I understand how difficult the past week must have been for all of you, watching hockey games wondering who on earth the Baby Eater could possibly be.

But fret not, my blog-reading friends, for this one more than makes up for it. There is so much awesome to this player that he hasn't even gotten the chance to fight anyone this season due to his hits being so brutal that no player is stupid enough to drop the gloves and give him further opportunity to bring the pain.

To top it all off, when he's not knocking bitches down, he's contributing offensively, like with this beaut from last night against the Oilers. He now has nine points in the last eleven games; not bad for a twenty year-old defenseman playing top minutes.

Did I mention he has a gold medal?

Drew Doughty of the Los Angeles Kings and his bone-crushing hit on Taylor Hall:

Said Doughty on the hit: “My intent wasn’t to injure him or anything like that, he was flying through the center with his head down and I saw the opportunity to knock him off the puck, and I did just that… our team after that, I thought we picked it up and we were pretty dominant from that point on.”

Inspiring your team to dominate? Total Baby-Eater material right there.

Also, he did all this while wearing a bright purple jersey. Bad ass.

Reim in his prime, right on time

It may only be 12 days into January, but it's not too early to declare 2011 the year of James Reimer. In response to his heroic exploits on the west coast this week, Governor Jerry Brown called an emergency press conference this morning during which he surrendered the state of California to the Leafs' wunderkind goalie in an effort to avoid further humiliation. 

In his five starts this season Reimer has four wins, a GAA of 1.92, a SV% of .947, and has had significant impact in aiding non-violent communications between North and South Korea to stave off what many were calling an inevitable WWIII. More importantly, having him in the pipes has led me to be overwhelmed by a strange and unfamiliar sense of calm. Even in the dying minutes of Monday's game in Los Angeles when Dion Phaneuf took a dumbass slashing penalty that would normally cause me to bang my head repeatedly on my desk to numb the pain that would come when the other team would score the obligatory goal mere seconds in, I found myself smiling; there was no doubt in my mind that despite the Kings having two extra skaters on the ice, Reimer was not letting that puck in the net. He was cool, calm, and collected, and for the first time in years I was at ease (and I swear it had nothing to do with the knowledge that Lebda was far, far from play, safe in the confines of the press box... although I'm definitely all for keeping him there). 

It's amazing because for the first time in ages I am happy with a Leafs goaltender not because I am encouraged by his steady improvement (*cough* Gus), or bolstered by the possibility that he may in fact not be totally past his prime (*wheeze**hack**cough* Giguere), or even just plain thrilled that it was anyone at all whose jersey didn't read "TOSKALA" across the back. I am happy because he is playing well now. You can call small sample size, or argue that he's untested, but the fact remains that I really don't think it's an overreaction at all for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford to immediately erect a 20-foot statue of Reimer in Maple Leaf Square and make Ron Wilson do all of his post-game interviews directly in front of it. Try to send him down now, Ron! Oh, can't do it can you? Damn those incredibly young and talented hockey players deserving their ice time. Damn them to hell.

Also, have you ever seen a bigger smile in your life?

Speaking of young talented Maple Leafs I am a huge fan of, my boy Tim Brent got into the fisticuffs with Marco Sturm of the Kings. Note how quickly the refs jump in. They clearly both knew if they didn't interfere immediately Sturm was a goner. No one crosses Tim Brent and lives to tell about it.

Note the pride in Joe Bowen's voice as Brent gets into his very first tiff. Adorable.

Because why wouldn't hockey appeal to comic book nerds?

With the World Junior Hockey Championship ending in Canadian tears (not my own, fortunately, as I was far too stunned by what had just happened to react in any physical or emotional way) followed  closely by the conclusion of HBO's 24/7 (which, somehow, managed to successfully make the Winter Classic look much more exciting than it actually was) I find myself suddenly faced with no more hockey-based entertainment to distract me from the Maple Leafs being complete crap.

Except for the NHL's Gaurdian Project.

I'm not quite sure how Napolean Bettman can go from getting it so right with the HBO deal to getting it so very, very wrong, but given his history of ruining the league one expansion team at a time, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. In case you've missed it, the NHL made a deal with Stan Lee of Spiderman fame (and that of virtually every other huge Marvel comic book franchise ever) to design an individual superhero for all 30 teams as some sort of tie-in to the All Star Game (I know, I didn't think they could make it any more pathetic either). To be honest, I really hadn't been following the story that closely until they started releasing the characters one by one on NHL.com.

"ESPN will wish they never dropped us!"

The first released was obviously "The Penguin", and much to my surprise it is not simply a photo of Sidney Crosby with the gold medal on his neck and the Stanley Cup over his head. As Greg Wyshynski of Puck Daddy pointed out, it is in fact Cyclops with the Pens logo on his chest. Cyclops The Penguin (yes, when I hear "Penguin" I think Danny Devito, too) is described as a "visionary" with "a love of science and innovation," all traits that would in no way have helped the team in the Winter Classic. Or a pick up game. Or a recreational skate with children. He also comes with wings, but not the kind that serve a purpose such as flying, mind you. "The wings, like that of an actual Penguin, don't enable him to fly but rather they allow him to maneuver both in the air and especially at sea." With that, The Penguin joins Cypher and Aquaman on my list of superheroes whose exploits sound duller than my own.   

Sadly, it gets worse, as "The King" is described as a "thespian" who hobnobs with celebrities and "would rather be known for his skill and humanitarianism than for the superhuman feats he performs." Still no word on what aforementioned "superhuman feats" are.

Next up, "The Hurricane" whose bio sings his praises as an intellectual who fancies himself an inventor. Fun story: so says the The Penguin's bio! Three heroes in and we're already fielding repeats. Stan Lee is officially senile.

Then there's "The Blackhawk", who is my personal favourite as Stan Lee has actually given him a catchphrase: "Jump on my big shoulders and let's get it done!" Note to self: don't let him near children. "The Blackhawk is also an environmental 'empathy' that is able to control the element of wind." With that one, I reverted to my eight-year-old self and laughed uncontrollably for a solid minute. I really thought I was more mature than that.

And finally, "The Sabre" who is without a doubt the most useless of the bunch, even though neither The Hurricane nor The King actually have powers. His backstory is that he studied hydro-engineering and is a man of "deep thought, choosing to devote his life to green technology" and "would rather outthink his opponent than beat him to smithereens." Strange, when I heard the NHL would be pairing with Stan Lee to create superheroes I kind of thought they'd be going for big, tough, and menacing. You know, like any hockey player and/or superhero? Just me? Moving on ... "He has the ability to be liquid, solid or in a gaseous (vapor), state, depending on what's needed for the situation." And there are 25 more on the way!

Thank you, Stan Lee, for reminding me that there are worse things in the NHL than the Maple Leafs.

Baby Eater of the Year

The Maple Leafs played their last game of 2010 on Thursday against Columbus, and, of course, it was none other than the Blue Jackets' Rick Nash who scored the winner. The Leafs end the year having won 29 games of 77 for a total of 58 points for a winning percentage of .377.

Yes, Really.

So instead of reflecting on the Leafs 2010 campaign which could only end in tears and over-consumption of alcohol (it never happened if I can't remember it!), I thought I'd continue on with what I started last week and bring you the Baby Eater of the Year.

Now, this isn't your everyday Baby Eater, folks. This selection speaks to why players like Wendel Clark and Gary Roberts will always have a special place in my heart. I'm all for hockey fights, not only for their entertainment value, but as a barometer for a player's investment in a game. I want to see frustration when things aren't going well, and I want to see players defending their teammates when they are at the receiving end of a dirty play. That being said, I'm not a fan of hired goons. Well, other than Colton Orr, obviously, because anyone who makes Matt Carkner cry like a little girl is fine by me.

I understand the importance of having goons on a roster, not only because they are properly trained as fighters (and therefore actually know how, for the most part, which should theoretically decrease the likelihood of them getting destroyed), but also as a form of on-ice insurance for the smaller skilled guys. But simply being a good fighter doesn't necessarily a good hockey fight make. It's the skilled guys who don't need to fight, the ones that for all intents and purposes shouldn't fight, that are truly remarkable to watch. That's why I am a big fan of the Gordie Howe hat trick. For a guy to score, assist and fight all in one game - dude's a hockey player.

So I present to you my Baby Eater of 2010. He is one of the most skilled guys on the ice at any time, and in what I'm sure is a first and last for a Baby Eater, he is the winner of four Lady Byngs for exhibiting sportsmanship and gentlemanly play combined with playing ability (better luck to him next year; looks like his campaign for a fifth is pretty much DOA). That's right, the Baby Eater of 2010 is none other than Pavel Datsyuk of the Detroit Red Wings, thanks to his Gordie Howe hat trick, which included his bout with Anaheim's Corey Perry in the first game of the season for both teams on October 8th. Video via hockeyfightsdotcom.

Pavel Datsyuk, you inspire me.