Because why wouldn't hockey appeal to comic book nerds?

With the World Junior Hockey Championship ending in Canadian tears (not my own, fortunately, as I was far too stunned by what had just happened to react in any physical or emotional way) followed  closely by the conclusion of HBO's 24/7 (which, somehow, managed to successfully make the Winter Classic look much more exciting than it actually was) I find myself suddenly faced with no more hockey-based entertainment to distract me from the Maple Leafs being complete crap.

Except for the NHL's Gaurdian Project.

I'm not quite sure how Napolean Bettman can go from getting it so right with the HBO deal to getting it so very, very wrong, but given his history of ruining the league one expansion team at a time, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. In case you've missed it, the NHL made a deal with Stan Lee of Spiderman fame (and that of virtually every other huge Marvel comic book franchise ever) to design an individual superhero for all 30 teams as some sort of tie-in to the All Star Game (I know, I didn't think they could make it any more pathetic either). To be honest, I really hadn't been following the story that closely until they started releasing the characters one by one on NHL.com.

"ESPN will wish they never dropped us!"

The first released was obviously "The Penguin", and much to my surprise it is not simply a photo of Sidney Crosby with the gold medal on his neck and the Stanley Cup over his head. As Greg Wyshynski of Puck Daddy pointed out, it is in fact Cyclops with the Pens logo on his chest. Cyclops The Penguin (yes, when I hear "Penguin" I think Danny Devito, too) is described as a "visionary" with "a love of science and innovation," all traits that would in no way have helped the team in the Winter Classic. Or a pick up game. Or a recreational skate with children. He also comes with wings, but not the kind that serve a purpose such as flying, mind you. "The wings, like that of an actual Penguin, don't enable him to fly but rather they allow him to maneuver both in the air and especially at sea." With that, The Penguin joins Cypher and Aquaman on my list of superheroes whose exploits sound duller than my own.   

Sadly, it gets worse, as "The King" is described as a "thespian" who hobnobs with celebrities and "would rather be known for his skill and humanitarianism than for the superhuman feats he performs." Still no word on what aforementioned "superhuman feats" are.

Next up, "The Hurricane" whose bio sings his praises as an intellectual who fancies himself an inventor. Fun story: so says the The Penguin's bio! Three heroes in and we're already fielding repeats. Stan Lee is officially senile.

Then there's "The Blackhawk", who is my personal favourite as Stan Lee has actually given him a catchphrase: "Jump on my big shoulders and let's get it done!" Note to self: don't let him near children. "The Blackhawk is also an environmental 'empathy' that is able to control the element of wind." With that one, I reverted to my eight-year-old self and laughed uncontrollably for a solid minute. I really thought I was more mature than that.

And finally, "The Sabre" who is without a doubt the most useless of the bunch, even though neither The Hurricane nor The King actually have powers. His backstory is that he studied hydro-engineering and is a man of "deep thought, choosing to devote his life to green technology" and "would rather outthink his opponent than beat him to smithereens." Strange, when I heard the NHL would be pairing with Stan Lee to create superheroes I kind of thought they'd be going for big, tough, and menacing. You know, like any hockey player and/or superhero? Just me? Moving on ... "He has the ability to be liquid, solid or in a gaseous (vapor), state, depending on what's needed for the situation." And there are 25 more on the way!

Thank you, Stan Lee, for reminding me that there are worse things in the NHL than the Maple Leafs.